Searching for Shepard
by Kaida22
Summary: Shepard doesn't want to face the truth, but for her crew to trust her, she needs to trust herself, even if that means confirming her worst fears...that she's more than she appears to be. Post-resurrection. Non-canon & slight AU as I have moved events & timelines around. All characters & organizations belong to Bioware, only the story is my own. Updates as my brain allows. Shakarian
1. Chapter 1

Shepard still wasn't used to the way her body worked. It had been a few months since she had awoken in a Cerberus med bay to the sound of Miranda Lawson's demanding voice, but every day she noticed something new about her body. The way her hair insisted on parting slightly off center, the achy joints that wouldn't fully extend until warmed up, and the slight bend her little finger took-a remnant of childhood fights with her older brother. Today it was her freckles, and she stared into the mirror, utterly fascinated by the light blemishes that were arrayed in an almost perfect symmetrical pattern across her nose and cheeks. Her freckles would have been perfect if not for the jagged white scars that cut chaotically through them and the rest of her face. The scars were hard to notice, she had to give Miranda and the medical team credit for patching her up so well, but the fact that they existed at all threatened to bring back memories she was somewhat glad to have suppressed.

She traced her fingers down each of the scars, shuddering at the memory of her helmet shattering on impact as she was sucked out of the depressurizing Normandy to her slow death, fighting for air and praying on a rescue that never occurred...well, not until after she was already dead. Miranda still won't give a straight answer as to exactly how long she'd been dead when they recovered her.

"EDI"

"Yes Commander?" the metallic voice echoed in the quiet room.

"Call Officer Lawson to my quarters please."

"At once Commander." EDI replied

Shepard resumed the examination of her body, pausing on every scar and pinpointing the memory from her childhood, training or combat that corresponded to the site of the injury. She had just finished with her arms and stomach when the sound of the opening door indicated Lawson's presence in the room.

"Commander," Miranda started "you wanted to see me?"

"Yes, I'm in the bathroom, you may enter." she replied.

Miranda stepped through the doorway and respectfully averted her eyes from Shepard's muscular body dressed in only undergarments.

"What do you need?" Lawson asked, although she knew the answer.

"I'd like you to examine my head, neck, back and shoulders for any scars and injuries and report your findings, it is impossible for me to examine them myself."

"Of course Commander."

Miranda stepped behind the stoic commander and took to pointing out all the visible signs of injury. For each one located, Shepherd described the incident which caused it: childhood injuries from sparring with her brother, the knife wounds from training as a recruit, shrapnel from a bomb that went off in the Citadel, and numerous gunshot wounds from her many years in the Alliance. By the time they were nearly complete Shepard's fair skin was covered in goosebumps from the cold of the bathroom, shivering at the touch of Miranda's cold, medically trained hands.

"Your biotic implant." Miranda said as traced across a horizontal scar at the back of Shepard's neck.

"And the one behind my ear?" Shepard asked pointing out the long break in her hairline where nothing grew

"From your brain surgery."

"After you found me?"

"Yes Commander."

"What was the surgery for?"

"You sustained a severe concussion, as well as bleeding and excessive swelling in your brain. We removed a portion of your skull so the pressure could be relieved and to fix the portions of it that had fractured, collapsed, and died." Miranda explained methodically.

"And the portions of skull that were removed?"

"Replaced with metal plates."

"Thank you." Shepard nodded at her.

"Anything else Commander?"

"Yes, one more thing." Shepard spun her body around to face Miranda and displayed a portion of her inner thigh to her. "I remember an injury occurring here, of which the scar is now gone."

"Skin grafts." Miranda explained. "You sustained severe radiation burns on your thighs where your armor had ruptured, we had to remove and replace a lot of your skin."

"Donor skin, my own or lab grown?"

"Lab grown, you did not have have sufficient patches of undamaged skin to graft from."

"Thank you Miranda, that is all."

"Your welcome Commander." Lawson replied, quickly leaving the commander alone once again.

She called Miranda about once a week to remind her of the scars she had forgotten as well as explain some new ones she had found. It was peculiar to have someone else more familiar with her body than she was, but Shepard found it useful in recalling memories she thought she had lost. The lack of oxygen to her brain during her death had inhibited parts of it, including her hippocampus and frontal cortex, and therefore she found it hard to recall certain areas of her past. She knew it was a miracle she was able to function so well, even with all the new quirks she had seemed to pick up.

Her crew considered it a miracle too, at least it appeared like they did. It took Shepard longer than she thought it would to finally notice the whispers behind her back. It was nothing malicious, none of her crew were that disloyal, but the whispers spoke of something she too had wondered about herself, that she had somehow come back different.

It was a natural instinct, she supposed, that people would question something that defies nature, and her second coming fit every definition of the term. She knew there were people who doubted her before, but now they could use her very existence to undermine her authority at every turn. Shepard felt more pressure than ever before to be completely perfect.

"EDI" she spoke to the room once again

"Yes Commander?" the AI responded

"Send notice to Tali, Garrus, Joker, Mordin, Liara, and Dr. Chakwas to meet in the conference room at 1300 hours, include a message indicating the confidential nature of this meeting"


	2. Chapter 2

"I know many of you, myself included, are worried about my health since the incident." Commander Shepard started the meeting authoritatively. "With the exception of Dr. Solis, you have all known me for quite some time and all of you have stood by my side loyally. Today I need to call upon that trust, that loyalty, and that support, but more importantly, your skills."

"What's this about Shepard?" Garrus asked, his subharmonics broadcasting a concern he was happy no one could hear.

"What I am going to tell you must stay within this group and must be your top priority, the only exception to this being missions you are called upon for. It is of utmost importance that no one discovers the true nature of your work." She turned to the Salarian scientist. "Mordin, I am trusting you with this knowledge, and need your assurance you will not leak this information."

"Used to working under confidentiality, will not have problem Commander."

"Commander, what's this about?" Tali asked nervously

"Before I continue, could you secure the room and make sure no one outside can hear or see us, including our omnipresent AI friend?"

"Of course." Tali threw up her omni tool and after a few silent moments of hacking, she confirmed that the room was indeed secure.

"I know you are all concerned about my health since the accident, I am as well. I need to know exactly what Cerberus did to bring me back, what was lost in the process, and," she paused for effect, "what may have been added." A nervous silence filled the conference room.

"You really think they changed you Commander? Joker asked

"I don't know, but I can't ignore the fact that they did what should have been impossible, I don't and will never trust Cerberus, and I need…we all need...to know."

"We should start with basic scans, X-ray, MRI, then we'll work up a blood panel and match all results to the on-file Alliance data we have from your last physical before the accident." Dr. Chakwas explained.

"Salarian imaging technology top of the line, Commander," Mordin spoke again, "Can run many tests as well."

"Can you both collaborate on this?" Shepard asked, already knowing the answer.

"Of course." they both responded, nodding to each other.

"What would you have the rest of us do?" Garrus asked.

"Tali," she turned to the Quarian, "see if you can access Cerberus files on the Lazarus project and see what you can dig up on the process. I will also give you full access to the files that I obtained on my escape from the lab upon regaining consciousness there."

"I'll do my best Commander."

"Garrus, Joker, I'd like you to watch the Cerberus crew for me."

"But I am Cerberus crew." Joker stated

"You were my crew first, I know where your loyalties lie and I know you wouldn't have allowed any modifications to be made to myself if you were aware of them." Shepard stated firmly.

"Your damn right I wouldn't." Joker confirmed, a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth.

"I want you to especially monitor Miranda & Jacob's movements and activities on the ship, I need to know who they confide in and how often they seek counsel with each other. Do your best to hide your intentions however, I can't let them know that I don't fully trust them, it will undermine their confidence in myself."

"Consider it done Commander." Garrus responded

"What do you want me to do Shepard?" Liara finally spoke up.

"I need you to monitor Miranda and Jacob's incoming and outgoing mail for any vital information as well as use your shadow broker contacts to uncover anything you can on the Lazarus project, Just don't let them know who's asking."

"It have a few ideas of who I can contact." Liara reassured the Commander.

"Please report back to me, but no communication of these tasks outside of Tali's secure field. That is all for now."

Shepard stood and walked towards the conference room exit as her loyal crew sat bewildered for a moment, soaking in the depth of what they were just asked to do. - Shepard returned to her quarters in a daze. It felt good to throw her burden on her most trusted allies, but she knew that soon she would have real answers, and could no longer pretend it was just her imagination or ignore the depth of whatever was to come.

She changed into sweats and put in her headphones, blasting music as an effort to drown out her overactive thoughts. She then started up her treadmill, hoping to force her mind off the inevitable shit storm she knew the truth would bring her.

She missed Garrus knocking on her door by 30 seconds.

* * *

By the time she finished on the the treadmill, she needed two showers to get the stink of sweat and desperation off of her. Her exhausted legs could hardly hold her body up as she shivered under the frigid recycled water pouring down on her. She collapsed on the cold tile floor, her shoulders shaking from the heavy sobs that poured from her body, her exhausted mind unable to hold her fears back any longer.

She didn't know what she was crying for exactly, whether it be the weight of the mission now before her or the loss of her life that she had never been able to properly mourn. She sacrificed absolutely everything she could for a cause she desperately believed in and yet her death changed nothing in the world. The counsel went right back into the ignorance they started with and everyone carried on, losing her to the pages of history. She didn't really expect everyone's lives to stop just because she died, but deep down, a part of her was upset that everyone had just moved on, when she so clearly couldn't.

She already lived up to the name of hero for humanity's sake. It was a burden she was not eager to bear again, yet the Illusive Man was just as willing to play with her life and the lives of her friends as the Alliance was, but this time she didn't have any preconceived notions about honor and glory. She knew deep down that all she was doing and all she could ever do in the world was delay...delay her death and the deaths of her friends, the extinction of her species, and every species, but she could never really save anyone.

Her eyes eventually stopped producing tears and although her body was still shaking with sobs and shivers she managed to drag herself from the bathroom and collapse on the bed. She almost immediately passed out from sheer exhaustion, with the weight her sorrow carrying over into her nightmares.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard awoke to dry, swollen eyes and a face dampened by tears that had soaked into her pillow from the night before. Her head pounded fiercely and every muscle ached. It was the middle of the night now, her alarm clock read 2:00. She could feel the thoughts of yesterday returning, so she quickly flung herself from the bed, ignoring the dizzy spell the quick movement brought upon as well as the increased pounding in her head.

The bathroom medicine cabinet was void of drugs to dull the pain and cursing silently to herself she ran her fingers through her auburn hair, threw on her N7 sweatpants and a tank top over her red sports bra and left to raid the med bay.

The elevator opened to an empty hallway. The sounds of the engine humming soothed her as she walked through the hollow ship, her footsteps echoing on the metallic floor. The motion sensored med bay doors hissed open, clicking the automatic lights on as she stepped through the threshold. She rummaged through a few of the white cabinets before finally coming across the pain medication. She pulled a bottle of Hydrocodone off the shelf and kept rummaging, locating a bottle of sleep aids a few cabinets over. At the end of the shelf her eyes ran over a bottle labeled Prozac. She stared at the bottle for a moment shook her head slightly and quickly left the room, the door hissing shut behind her.

Her second stop was the mess, grabbing herself a glass from the shelf and after filling it up with ice water sat on the counter and opened her bottle of pain medication. Throwing two in her mouth she washed them down with a large glass of water.

"Popping pills Shepard?" a rough voice spoke, causing the commander to sputter and cough up some water in surprise.

"Garrus!" she exclaimed after clearing her throat and coughing a few more times.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you." trying to hide the shred of amusement that threatened to contort his face into somewhat of a smile.

"Your fine." she said as he walked closer to her and sat down next to her.

"What are you doing up?"

"I don't sleep much, want company?" he responded

"Sure, I probably won't be down here for long though."

"No matter, I'd rather sit with you than be alone," he said thoughtfully. "What are the pills for?"

"I just have a migraine." Shepard started, and then explained "a pain in my head."

"Anything I can do for you?"

"No, the pills will take the pain away and that's all I need." she paused "do Turians get headaches?"

"Yes, but not often, bowel pains are much more common in my species. Head pains usually signify a greater problem. Is this something you should be concerned about?"

"No, headaches are pretty common and not usually serious unless they last a long time or are really painful. We have a lot of minor aches and pains...I guess we're more fragile like that."

"You are a deceptively strong species however."

"What makes you say that?" Shepard asked, genuinely intrigued

"I grew up learning how to kill humans, most young Turians do as you are considered easy enemies. You have no armored plating, your skin is pierced with little force and your vital organs are easily accessible. When pitted against a Krogan or a Turian there should be no bets in your favor, yet your species has fought with and against the best the galaxy has to offer and somehow you manage to survive."

"I guess if you want to beat us, you'd better learn to stop underestimating us then" Shepard stated with a smile on her face as the Turian rumbled out a low laugh.

"I think it's more than that though. I don't know whether it's insanity, stupidity, or both, but if my species were only half as crazy we'd rule the universe," he paused for a moment, "I've seen you stare down things that would make a battle hardened Krogan shit his armor. You've constantly thrown yourself into danger, knowing you will most likely die, and yet somehow, despite impossible odds, you've managed to survive. If anyone on my homeworld heard me say this I'd probably be exiled, but the best general in the Turian military doesn't hold a candle to you Shepard."

Shepard stared at the floor for a few moments, unsure how to respond to his praise. "I'm glad to have your trust and confidence Garrus, and now might not be the best time to tell you that half the time I don't know what I'm doing. I've just been lucky, insanely, stupidly, lucky."she finally responded, fiddling with the bottle of pills in her hands.

"No, it's not luck, it's instinct. Luck is finding credits in the slums of Omega, instinct is the way you communicate and connect with people, the way you take command of a room, the way you take on enemies...from a room full of guards to an an army of Reapers. You were born for this Shepard, and you do a damn fine job saving everyones lives."

It doesn't feel like instinct...it feels like fear, Shepard thought, but instead replied "Thanks Garrus, I appreciate that."

"Anytime Shepard."

They sat silence for a few moments, listening to the hum of the engines and the creaks of the metal hull shifting.

"I've never told anyone this before," Shepard started, "But I never wanted to be a soldier. Before I became Alliance I wanted to be a musician...to play music."

"Really?" Garrus asked trying not to sound too surprised. "You played something then?"

"An instrument yeah, I played the piano."

"I'm not familiar with Earth music, can you explain?"

"It has keys, like a computer, but the keys are on one large row"-she spread her arms to illustrate- "instead of combined, and instead of typing letters they create different sounds."

"Were you taught to play it?"

"By my mother, yes."

"And were you good?"

"Not really, no." Shepard replied with a chuckle "Though I tried very hard and enjoyed it a lot. I'm sure I would have if I'd kept playing."

"What made you join the Alliance instead?" Garrus asked

"Well, My family didn't have a lot of credits so we never really left our city, let alone Earth. My mother used to tell me stories about her and my father having big plans to see the stars, meet aliens...that's what everyone on Earth called other planetary species before we knew you actually existed of course,"

"Of course, no offense taken."

"They planned on going, but then I was born, and I don't think she felt right going without my father after he died. I was almost in my eighteenth year when my mother passed and since I didn't have anywhere else to go I joined the Alliance."

"A good thing too, Shepard. Now when your mother and father watch over you proudly they can see stars, planets and," he struggled with the word, "aliens together." he paused "Sorry Shepard, but that word does not translate kindly."

"I know, I'm sorry it was used so offensively against your people."

"We had our own choice words for your people too. It's unfortunate that we can't change the minds or actions of our ancestors."

"You know, it used to just mean foreigners, those who traveled or immigrated from one part of Earth to a different part." Shepard explained "It only took on that meaning during the First Contact War."

"It changed a lot for both our kinds. I was raised to hate your species, trained to kill you, yet here I am serving under one. My younger self would have hated me for it."

"Your training was that strong, huh?"

"Very much so, but that little shit was just a xenophobic moron who didn't know he didn't know anything."

"Is that why you joined the military, to defend against us evil humans?"Shepard asked with a smile, fascinated by his childhood revelations.

"No, it's mandatory, but it was my duty as the oldest child to follow in my father's footsteps and join C-Sec once my service was complete."

"Did you ever want to do anything else?"

"No, I believe I already told you about my father blocking my candidacy for becoming a Spectre, not that I would have necessarily gotten it anyway. I never really had any desires other than carrying on the family title...that's just what first born children do."

"Do you resent him for that?"

"No, I was a different man then, headstrong, and I don't think I would have been able to rein myself in...although I do envy your lack of paperwork and accountability."

"Ah…" Shepard said with a knowing smile, "We call that red tape."

"Red tape, that's a good phrase, binds you up and makes you wanna spill blood, although we'd probably call it blue tape." Garrus replied with a chuckle.

Another moment of comfortable silence passed between the two as they sat together.

"I think the medication is finally hitting me," Shepard started, "I should probably go back to my quarters before I run the risk of waking up on the elevator floor, thanks for keeping me company though Garrus."

"It was better speaking to you than staring at targeting systems all night." the Turian replied as he got up and offered a three-fingered hand to Shepard to help her down. "Will you make it to your room okay?"

"Yes," she replied, taking his hand and allowing him to brace her as she got down her perch. "Thank you for the offer though, and your chivalry."

"Alright, good night Commander." Garrus courteously nodded his head toward her and retreating towards the Main Battery

"Good night Garrus." Shepard replied, flexing her tingling hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard could hardly drag herself out of bed in the morning. She had grossly overslept her alarm and the combination of pain and sleep medications had made her extremely groggy. Not even the ice cold water of the shower could shake the clouds from her mind. Barely resisting the desire to return to the warmth of her bed she dressed and glanced at the pill bottles on her desk. Her migraine had not subsided during the night so she took another dose for her pain and after slapping on a fake commander-like expression, headed down to make her rounds.

Unlike the previous evening, the ship was a hub of activity. Shepard made her way slowly towards the CIC, nodding in acknowledgement at each salute given her as she walked past the busy crew.

"Commander" the voice of Yeoman Kelly Chambers caught her attention.

"Something I should know Chambers?"

"Dr. Chakwas would like to speak to you in the Medical Bay."

"Anything else?"

"It may be a bit forward of me to ask Commander, but I know you are under a lot of stress and if you need someone professional to speak to, I want you to know that I'm available anytime."

"Thank you for the offer," Shepard replied somewhat stiffly, "I've been in plenty of stressful situations and managed it well so far, but I will keep your offer in mind if I need it."

"Oh!" Chambers started with a shock, "I didn't mean for it to sound like I doubted your abilities, Commander."

"It's alright, I didn't take it that way at all. It's your job to look out for the health of the crew, including myself, I appreciate your concern."

"Thank you Commander."

Shepard nodded her head in acknowledgement of the Yeoman and headed down towards the medical bay as requested.

"Shepard." the doctor said with a smile as the Commander entered the room.

"I was told you wished to speak with me?"

"Yes, I wanted to run those tests today if you have the time, and I was also hoping you could help solve a mystery for me."

"I can try, What's going on?"

"I'm running through a list of crew members that could be abusing prescription medicine, but the only one on my list so far is Jack."

"Why are you making a list?"

"Well, I was doing inventory today and noticed a few bottles of medication missing. I keep very careful stock and I wanted to make sure you knew, that way if it keeps happening we have a record of what gets taken and possibly track them down."

"Sleeping pills and Hydrocodone right?" Shepard started with a flushed face, "I'll save you the trouble Doctor, I was the one who took your medicine."

"Oh," Dr. Chakwas replied slightly startled

"I have been having troubles sleeping regularly due to leftover pains from my injuries from the incident. I didn't want to wake you for non-emergency reasons so I just took what I needed. I got a late start this morning or I would have come down first thing to tell you myself, I apologize for any inconvenience I caused."

"No problem Commander, I appreciate your honesty and I'm glad I don't have to interrogate Jack," the doctor replied rather relieved, "Are you available to run those tests today?"

"Thank you Dr. Chakwas, and yes, I'll come in after I finish my rounds." Shepard replied as she left the room, rather embarrassed she didn't think of the good doctor keeping inventory.

* * *

Shepard laid on the medical table, her uncovered backside pressing into the cold metallic surface as she waited for Dr. Chakwas to return. She'd been undergoing medical testing for hours now, and although both doctors were professional and courteous, there was only so much poking and prodding she could take. It didn't help that the large glass of contrast they had given her to drink for the scans wasn't sitting well in her otherwise empty stomach.

By the time Dr. Chakwas returned, she was sitting on the floor in the corner with her head in the garbage can looking quite pale.

"If you throw it all up, you'll just have to do it again another day." Dr. Chakwas told her in a mock scolding voice. Shepard replied with a single middle finger and a groan.

"Let's get this over with so you can rest." Chakwas said trying not to show her amusement at the Commander's discomfort as she helped her lie back down on the table.

The scan was over not a moment too soon. As soon as Dr. Chakwas told her she could move she made a stumbling beeline towards the garbage can and emptied the contents of her stomach which flatly refused to stay down any longer.

"Am I done now?" Shepard asked the doctor drearily

"Yes, I'm sorry for that unpleasantness."

"Sss okay…" Shepard said with her head in the bucket, "I'll move in a minute…"

"Take your time Commander, I'm going to run the scans to Dr. Solus. I've left a bottle of nausea mediation on the desk, take it when you leave, it should help."

"Thanks doc." Shepard replied gratefully as the door slid shut behind the doctor. Shepard didn't dare move from her corner in case her stomach would turn again, but after a few minutes with no reaction, she shakily stood with the bucket in her grasp, grabbed the pills and stumbled towards the elevator, desperate to make it back to her quarters before another wave of nausea hit.

The last thing Shepard wanted was to run someone in her weakened state, but of course when the elevator doors opened to admit her, her Turian comrade stood inside watching her with those captivating blue eyes.

"Shepard, are you alright?" he asked with concern in his voice as he moved over to make room for her in the enclosed space.

"Dr. Chakwas was torturing me and the meds made me sick." she explained as best as she could, too sick to care about the horrid smells that must have been coming from her and the bucket.

"Torturing you?" he asked with a raising of his brow

Shepard groaned in reply and tipped to the side, allowing the wall to support her as the elevator lurched to a start.

"Do you need help?" Garrus asked, instinctively reaching towards her to help but pulling away at the last second in hesitation.

"I'm alright, I'll make it." she said, not attempting to stand until the elevator lurched once again to a stop and opened.

Shepard mustered her strength and pushed off from the wall and using her hands to guide her, slowly started making her way towards her chamber door. A three fingered hand grabbed her arm and steadied her as Garrus silently slipped in beside her.

"I'll just make sure you don't fall...okay? Although he phrased it as such, Shepard knew the Turian's question was really more of a demand and being too sick to argue, she begrudgingly allowed him to escort her.

"So why was Dr. Chakwas torturing you?" Garrus asked

"She wanted to run some tests." she told him, careful not to speak of specifics when EDI had her ears on

"I see." Garrus said as he helped her down the steps and towards the bed, "Do you need anything?"

Shepard sat on the end of her bed and then reached toward her nightstand and grabbed the empty glass that sat there, handing it to him "Can you fill this with water for me?"

"Of course" he responded as he quickly retreated to the bathroom and emerged with it again, handing it to her.

"Thanks" she said as she cracked the pill bottle, popped two in her mouth and took a long drink.

"Will you be alright?"

"I'll survive, I just gotta sleep it off."

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"No," Shepard replied reaching for her MP3 player and placed the headphones in her ears, "Thanks for making sure I'm okay though."

"Of course, Shepard" Garrus replied, retreating towards the door and flicking the light switch on his way out, casting the room into darkness.

"Garrus," Shepard called out loudly trying to stop him from leaving

"Yes?" he replied intrigued by the edge of fear in her voice

"Please turn the light back on."

"Oh...of course…sorry." He replied and nudged the switch upwards with his taloned finger as he watched her lay back down.

Shepard was not aware aware of the door shutting when he finally left a full minute later.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard once again awoke feeling as if she had been mauled. It was earlier into the wee hours of the morning than she expected and she was comforted to know she had at least had a few hours of good sleep.

She endured the task of cleaning the contents of the bucket from the night before and although her stomach was finally quiet, she didn't feel much better. Feeling gross, she turned on the shower and this time waited for it to get warm before she entered. It was nearly impossible for her to get the acidic taste of bile out of her throat and only after she was sufficiently in order did she attempt to wander down to the bridge.

"Commander, You're up late...or early." Joker said upon hearing her footsteps grow steadily closer.

"Hey Joker, Hows it looking?" Shepard replied

"Smooth sailing Shepard, we should arrive at the Citadel at 0900 hours as planned." He replied as he swung his ergonomic chair around to face her.

"Anything I should be concerned with?"

"Nope! Fuel reserves are good, and all other systems are online and functioning properly."

"Anything you need?"

"I could use a few hours rest if you don't mind keeping my seat warm and the AI in check."

"Of course" Shepard replied just as Joker badly hid an enormous yawn. She quickly evicted him from the comfort of his chair.

"Thanks Commander," Joker said with a smile as he hobbled out of the bridge with his crutches, "I'll come back for the hard parts."

With Joker gone, Shepard requested EDI to play her classical playlist, and she stared out into the star-lit expanse as the music crescendoed around her. She tried to avoid looking out at space since her death-which was harder than she cared to admit when it was looming above her as she tried to sleep at night-and although she felt a burn of fear rising in her chest, this time she forced herself to look out the window in front of her, forcing herself to remember. The blinking lights on the control panel did nothing to stop her from feeling she was once again drifting helplessly through space.

She had no sense of time passing as she stared down the void, her heart racing and her head pounding. She could no longer hear the soft notes playing throughout the bridge and could feel nothing but her chest tightening as she struggled to gain mastery over the darkness that had enveloped her.

_She spun desperately, trying to patch the suit that was cracking and splintering in too many places to fix. Her helmet's warnings of oxygen depletion were silenced by the damage and her panic was answered with nothing but calm silence. _

_She smelt burning flesh as her exposed body reacted to the radiation, screaming without sound as she felt it burn. __She could feel her lungs collapsing as her vision slowly faded to black, her brain throbbing, desperately searching for oxygen it would never find. _Her head throbbed with pressure as she tried to think, tried to focus on a way out. She was fighting an enemy she couldn't win, and deep down she knew it. 

_The last thing she felt was the heat of the tears streaming down her face boiling as she slipped into nothingness. _

A low rumble from behind made her jump out of the chair in fear and whirl around, crashing into the dash and snapping her out of her nightmare. She felt her heartbeat all over her body throb faster and faster as torrents of pent up adrenaline flooded her system. The unsuspecting Turian stopped mid-sentence and Shepard slowly took back rational control of her body, breathing steadily for the first time since she entered the bridge.

Garrus' mandibles were moving and Shepard barely had time to collect herself before he stopped speaking and expected her to reply.

"See me later Garrus, now's not a good time," Shepard said with as much confidence as she could muster as she covertly wiped a tear from her cheek, "EDI take the bridge, log me out." She brushed past Garrus without making eye contact and walked as quickly as she could back to the solace of her cabin where she could try to pretend something more than just metal was between her and oblivion once again.

* * *

Shepard ran herself almost to death on her treadmill for the next hour, hoping that sheer exhaustion would perhaps turn her mind from the depths of space without the need of the drugs she'd been taking.

"Commander" EDI's voice rang through the room

"What is it?"

"Flight Lt. Moreau wanted me to notify you that we are making out approach to the Citadel. We are no more than 20 minutes off schedule."

"Thanks EDI, did he get ample time to rest?" Shepard asked through staggered breaths of exhaustion

"Yes, standing in for him resulted in five hours of rest, three of which were REM cycle." EDI explained

"There were no problems after I relinquished my post?"

"No, I have limited functionality as an autopilot and can monitor many of the ships functions simultaneously."

"So you have a cruise control? Does Joker know this?"

"Yes, but I could not convince him to leave his control deck to me as I have still not gained his trust."

"Well, Thank you for taking over for me."

"No problem Commander,"

"Oh, and EDI?, notify the crew of the docking time and that they can have shore leave until 0900 hours tomorrow."

"Right away, logging you out."


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard's business on the Citadel took most of the day. She got her status corrected from killed in action after completing an infuriating amount of paperwork and upon the conclusion of her meeting with Captain Anderson she was left to wander the streets of the Citadel alone. The waterfalls, trees and crowds of people made a convincing show of not being on an orbiting ship and she found she could breathe a little more freely here than she could on the Normandy.

She walked down the strip of shops overlooking the beautiful river garden that flowed below and listened intently to the clatter of footsteps all around her, the gentle whirring of the shuttle engines above, and the the deep primal thudding of the bass emanating from the bars below.

The Citadel food court was arguably one of the best in the known systems, and the smells wafting from it suddenly reminded her that she hadn't eaten in days. After acquiring an amount of food that was probably more than she could ever eat, she walked across one of the bridges that spanned the river and sat at the edge of the walk-way somewhere near the center, her legs under the guard rails, feet dangling over the rushing water below.

The artificial sun was setting in a beautiful array of red, orange and purples and for a moment Shepard let herself believe it was more than just a projection. She let herself hear the chirping of birds and the gentle buzzing of insects, smell the pine needles and flowers in full bloom, and feel the heat of the setting sun tickle her skin, the breeze tossing her hair. For a moment she let herself truly relax, but like all illusions of perfection, it was shattered too quickly and left her emptier than before.

She had an unusual longing for home in her gut. After her mother died she had only wanted to leave it all behind, and since she left Earth for training she had only returned once. She never had any feelings of homesickness and no desire for dirt beneath her feet. For so long the Normandy was her home, her solid ground and the one place where she felt truly safe, but now with the subtle changes, Cerberus watchdogs and her constant nightmares, she feared that all that remained in her once beloved home were too many reminders of her mortality.

She sat on that bridge letting the sound of the water mesmerize her until she was deep into the Citadel's night cycle, only getting up to leave after she found herself nodding off to sleep. Pushing herself up from her perch she started towards the nearest hotel, where after purchasing a ground floor "human comfort" room for the night, she collapsed on the fluffy bed and was blissfully swept away in her first full night of un-medicated sleep.

* * *

She found herself in a chipper mood the next morning as she checked out with the Asari secretary at the front desk. She was in the midst of giving her compliments about the comfort of the room when a familiar Turian stepped out of the elevator in her line of sight, his arms about the waist of a limber looking female member of his species.

A heat rose in her face and her chest tightened as she tried her hardest not to stare as they gave each other an intimate goodbye. Shepard took great pains to hurry along her conversation with the Asari before Garrus could take notice of her as she had no intention of interrupting them, or making him feel like he had any obligation to explain his shore leave actions to his commanding officer.

Thankfully the Asari returned her credit card and she turned and left the hotel as quickly as she could without calling undue attention to herself, pausing at only a store for a last minute purchase before heading to the docking bay for departure.

The docking bay was a hub of activity as crew members and delivery services were carting box after box of newly purchased supplies into the Normandy. She made small talk with the crew as she helped them load in boxes and as they were waiting for the arrival of Shepard's latest purchase, she once again saw Garrus, now returning to the ship.

"Garrus." Shepard nodded in acknowledgement of him

"Shepard, good to see you. Sleep well last night?" Garrus asked her with a hint of a smile tugging at his mandibles

"Ah, I thought I escaped without interrupting your shore leave, I apologize for that." Shepard responded, suddenly warm.

"It's nothing Commander, we were all on shore leave, I would have introduced her to you if you had not ran out."

"I figured as much, but I did not want to make the lady awkward." Shepard responded, hoping that was a good enough reason for Garrus to drop the subject. Turians were a lot more social about their intimate relationships than she was used to. Not that she was a prude, but she found it difficult to find men whose company she could tolerate for long enough to get intimate.

Thankfully the arrival of the last parcel interrupted their conversation and she signed for the package and lifted the box to carry them on board.

"This ones for you too Commander." A dock worker told her, throwing a second box on top of the first.

"Do you need a hand Shepard?" Garrus asked politely

Shepard thought about it for a moment and then slid the top-most box into his arms. "Sure, they are both going to my quarters and I need to speak with you in private anyway."

They walked in somewhat of an uncomfortable silence as they rode the elevator together towards Shepard's cabin. Once the door slid shut behind them Shepard broke the silence.

"I need to apologize to you for my behavior on the bridge the other day." Shepard told him as she laid the box on the bed and started prying it open. "I was experiencing some personal difficulties and I did not mean give you a cold shoulder."

"You don't need to apologize Commander," Garrus replied to her as he set his box next to hers, "no one expects you to be available all the time."

"I know, but I try to make it a point to hear out my crew, and a big part of that is being there for them when they need to speak with me. An incident like that could easily affect your ease at coming to me with problems, personal or professional, and might hinder you voicing opinions and concerns about the upcoming missions. Your opinions are something that I value highly and do not wish to stifle." Shepard took a large breath and looked at him. "What ever you needed to speak to me about yesterday I am available and willing to hear now."

"Thank you Shepard, I appreciate that. Joker hobbled past me on his way from the bridge and mentioned you had taken over for him, I only was there to see if you were feeling better after the tests the other day"

"Oh, I appreciate the gesture Garrus, and I again apologize for not showing it then." she said as she pulled a large black cloth out of one of the boxes

"It's alright, so are you feeling better? It looked like I startled you."

"Yes, I am, and yesterday...you just caught me off guard."

"Is that everything you wished to talk about Commander?" Garrus asked

"Yes, but I do want to discuss something about the...mission with you later when I find Tali."

"No need…" Garrus said as he brought up and started typing away on his omni-tool. In a minute he gestured for her to continue, saying "The room is secure now, continue."

"I know I asked everyone the other day to look into something in particular, and I wanted to ask you to as a personal favor to keep an eye on me." she replied looking up at him and hoping she didn't look too insecure.

"What do you mean?"

"You were with me for Saren and know me well both on and off the battlefield, before and after my resurrection. I need you to make sure I'm still me, that I'm making decisions true to myself and that I'm not putting anyone at risk," she paused "and if so, I know you will do whatever it takes to protect everyone from me."

"I know people are concerned about this, but no one thinks you're dangerous. Any reason you think you are?" he asked

"How can I not be?" Shepard asked him incredulously while avoiding his eyes and fiddling with the cloth. "Since the moment I woke up I've felt different...hell, I even look different. There are gaps in my memory, and some recollections that don't match up with what Miranda tells me, I dream about things I shouldn't know...that I couldn't know. Half the time I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Somethings wrong with me Garrus...I can feel it."

"Shepard," Garrus moved closer to her and spoke in a soft, calming tone, "Since you've been back you've been more passionate and more ferocious in battle that I have ever seen you. We will find out what, if anything, they changed in you, but I have no doubt that the core of you is still there, if not more there now than it ever was before."

Shepard was taken aback by his words. She considered the Turian to be a friend, at least as close to a friend as she could get, but she never expected him to speak to her so profoundly. She noticed her heartbeat racing as they stood close to each other and time seemed to slow down as she took in the weight of his words. She reached her arm out, so subtly that she doubted he could see it, but stopped herself before she touched his arm, not wanting to risk crossing a line. Nevertheless she found herself drawn into him, wanting to feel his arms around her, holding her together as she was certain she was falling apart.

Her inner self was screaming at her to stop and she suddenly pulled and turned away from him and pretended to be intensely occupied once again with unfolding the large cloth.

"Thank you Garrus," she said trying to mask the hitch in her voice, "I feel better knowing you're watching out for everyone, myself included."

"Anytime Shepard." The puzzled Turian spoke as he turned and headed for the door, messing with his omni-tool once again.

When Shepard was alone she sank into her bed, her head swimming with thoughts and emotions. She was more than a little concerned over her body's reaction to Garrus. She pushed him from her mind, knowing that it wasn't rational of her to think of him in that way, but trying not to only made her think about him more.

* * *

As soon as the crew finished their checks and the Normandy lifted off from the docking bay, EDI once again spoke from the console in the Commander's quarters.

"Dr. Chakwas and Mordin want to see you in the medical bay."

"Thanks EDI, them I will be down shortly."

"Logging you out Commander."


	7. Chapter 7

"Shepard, I think we've got some information you need to hear." Dr. Chakwas spoke as soon as Shepard entered the room. Tali stood in the corner with her omni tool up and motioned her to speak as soon as she finished typing.

"Alright, What is it?" Shepard asked trying to mask the nervousness in her voice

"The good news is we've found no evidence of Cerberus changing you fundamentally. You've always been healthy, but they did do a lot of work repairing damaged muscle and organ tissues from all you wounds in battle. You are already aware of the cybernetic enhancements made to yourself, but none of these indicates a dramatic change in personality or control." Dr. Chakwas explained "In essence, the best we can tell, you're still you. They did change you, but it appears only as necessary to ensure your health."

"What's the bad news?" Shepard asked, biting her lip

"Well, we've found something interesting in our preliminary exams, and I think we need to run more tests."

"What exactly did you find?"

"Indications of non-human strands in your DNA." Mordin "Might have existed before, might have not. Possible Cerberus involvement but unlikely, too advanced. Too many variables for complete analysis, need more tests."

"No previous medical data we have on file for you from the Alliance show these abnormalities," Dr. Chakwas interjected, "We don't even know if Cerberus discovered it."

"What do you mean non-human? It has to be Cerberus, they were able to bring me back and I'm not underestimating their capabilities. Any idea what the extra DNA could be for?" Shepard asked in disbelief

"No, too complex, need to map it and compare, will take time." Mordin replied deliberately ignoring the first part of her question.

"How much time? Do you have everything you need?"

"No. Don't have necessary items. Sur'Kesh would though. Know your busy but should go soon."

"Sur'Kesh? Your homeworld?" Shepard asked

"Yes. Equipped with advanced machinery and supplies. Access necessary for further analysis of your DNA."

"Okay, I will have Joker set a course for Sur'Kesh." Shepard agreed

"Tell crew mission is for me. Avoiding suspicion is necessary for moral." Mordin advised

"Thank you both for your help on this."

"Of course, Commander." they responded

Shepard took a minute to absorb the knowledge she had just received. It was some kind of relief to know that something was actually wrong. A part of her wanted the whole debacle to be in her mind, something that she could push aside, ignore or-if it came down to it-get professional help with. Having confirmation that something was indeed amiss with her body or mind was something she really wasn't prepared to deal with.

At least I'm not insane, she told herself, shaking her head as she walked towards the bridge in a daze.

* * *

At 1100 hours the entire team met in the conference room for a mission briefing.

"We're on our way to Sur'Kesh, the Salarian homeworld."

"Commander," Miranda spoke up with a warning tone to her voice, "We should be focusing on the Reaper threat."

"We are, but Dr. Solus needs to enlist the help of an associate on world that he believes can help him find an antidote to the Seeker Swarms paralytic." Shepard improvised while nodding towards the Salarian scientist

"I need to know the name of this associate Dr. Solus," Miranda demanded rather harshly as she glared at him, "we need to vet him, make sure he is trustworthy."

"His associate has expressed a desire for anonymity. Mordin has convinced me of his trustworthiness and If the Illusive Man objects to this mission I will personally remind him of the reason he brought me back...and then will promptly tell him to kiss my ass." Shepard responded abruptly, noticing Garrus' smile out of the corner of her eye. "Vakarian and I will accompany Dr. Solus to the rendezvous point in case we run into any trouble."

"I would like to be a member of the ground team." Miranda spoke up once again. "I need to see the results of this mission personally."

"I appreciate your enthusiasm Lawson, but I'm denying your request. You'll get the briefing when we return."

"Commander, I…" Miranda started

"Non-negotiable Lawson, You are free to respectfully voice your concerns but I cannot have you questioning and disobeying direct orders." Shepard interrupted

"Yes Commander." Miranda replied coldly.

"We have finished refueling and should be heading through the relay to Annos Basin in a few minutes. Joker said we should be docking no later than 1500, so Garrus, Mordin, be ready to go then. Dismissed."

Miranda was the first to stand and practically stomped out of the room, a look on annoyance and frustration on her face. Jacob, trying not to seem to obvious, rose quickly and left the room, no doubt chasing after her. Thane, Wrex, and Jack left soon afterwards and as they exited, Tali' once again brought up the field.

"Did you find anything in Cerberus' files Tali'?" Shepard asked her

"Nothing groundbreaking, Commander. Reports indicate extensive remodeling, It seems as if the longest part of the process was regrowing damaged portions of your internal organs and waiting on your brain to rewire itself. There are no reports of cybernetic enhancements or alterations to your memories or brain function."

"Have you found any reports of any abnormalities they discovered?" Shepard asked

"No, nothing like that Commander, but there is a file I cannot get access to."

"What do you need?"

"Only time, Commander. I'm running decryption algorithms and should have it cracked soon. I'll let you know as soon as I have it."

"Good work Tali'," Shepard commended the young Quarian. "Liara, what about you?"

"None of my contacts in and out of Cerberus have gotten any information, from what I can tell only a select team even knew of the project, Miranda and Jacob among them."

"Okay, I figured we wouldn't find much, thanks anyway."

"There is no indication that either operative is aware of our exact line of inquiry," Garrus spoke up, "I've been monitoring them and their tensions have rose and they have been avoiding the non-human crew members. I think they know somethings up, but am certain they don't know what that is."

"Thanks," Commander Shepard commended her crew, "I appreciate your time on this. Mordin has assured me that I'll get some answers on Sur'Kesh and I'll keep you apprised of the situation, You're dismissed. Oh…," she said before Tali' took down the field, "don't let Miranda off this ship when we dock."


	8. Chapter 8

The tropical planet's humidity hung in the air like a thick patch of fog and the heavily armored crew instantly felt it's draining effect.

"Please tell me the labs have air conditioning" Shepard asked Dr. Solus, hoping for a positive answer.

"Salarian scientists all work in humid conditions. Moisture in the air helps us think. Added benefit of staying hydrated."

"Well then, lets make this a fast trip." Shepard replied as Garrus grunted with approval.

"Reserved high-tech lab for use. Level four. Must take elevator" Mordin explained as he lead the way to the lab.

The open-air design of the labs made Shepard uncomfortably nervous as they traveled up the elevator to the lab. Salarians in lab coats watched them suspiciously as they made their through the corridors to the lab that Mordin reserved.

"Dr. Solus," The door guard rapidly spoke on their approach, "The room has been outfitted to your exact specifications, you may proceed."

Mordin thanked the guard and led them inside and Shepard was grateful to find herself in an enclosed space. She had no desire to have tests run without some semblance of solitude, and although the room was still stiflingly hot, the familiar hospital-like surroundings was comforting. Numerous machines lined the walls and a familiar looking metal table sat in the center of the room. A glass enclosed cylindrical machine was by far the largest object in the room and Shepard found herself hoping that whatever tests were about to be performed, they would be as non-invasive as possible.

"Remove armor, under-suit and lay on table." Mordin directed her, gesturing towards the metal slab as he bustled around preparing items for the tests.

Shepard started the long process of unclasping her armor piece by piece and was soon standing in nothing but the curve hugging fabric. She stood there for a moment searching for something like a typical hospital gown.

"Suit too." Mordin once again directed, getting anxious as he waited on her.

"Is there something I can put on?" Shepard asked tentatively.

"No," Mordin stated abruptly, "fabric only interferes."

Shepard paused for a moment and then knowing her face was getting red, turned around and started to drag the zipper on her suit down. She felt Garrus watching her as she started peeling back the suit, exposing her naked skin to the humid air. Had she been listening closely she would have heard a low rumble emanate from the Turian behind her.

"Uh…I should probably keep guard…It ah...it looks like you need privacy to run your tests." he managed to stumble out as he tried to exit the uncomfortable room as quickly as he could.

With the Turian gone, Shepard quickly finished disrobing with minimal further embarrassment and laid on the table as Mordin had directed her. She didn't often get naked in front of males, but knowing Salarian's analytical minds and their indifference to sex made the entire process less nerve wracking.

* * *

After what was probably hours of drawing her blood, taking samples, and miscellaneous testing, Mordin set all the samples to analyze and finally directed her to enter the giant glass cylindrical machine in the corner. She stood in the center as instructed, her arms and legs spread, as the tube closed around her and after a moment of silence, wound the large arm to a start, circling with increasing speed outside the tube.

After a few minutes and as the machine was winding down, the door to the lab hissed open and an armed and alarmed Garrus came running into the room. Shepard for a moment forgot her nudity and strained to hear what was going on outside the cylinder. She saw Garrus' expression change when his eyes finally found her, just as the scanner doors opened. Her face flushed momentarily as she stepped from the machine acutely aware of Garrus' mandibles twitching and his eyes roving about her body. She forced the redness from her cheeks.

"What's going on?" She asked quite alarmed

"Oh…right...Miranda. Tali' radioed that Miranda got off the Normandy. Sounds like she's headed right for us." Garrus finally explained after somewhat regaining his composure.

"She must have figured something out...throw me my suit" Shepard commanded, gesturing towards the table where it laid.

Garrus gripped it and threw it towards her trying not to stare as she bent forward, breasts dangling, as she pulled the tight material over her legs and finally removed the distraction.

"I ordered the guard to stop her." Garrus explained as he brought her armor over to her.

"That won't stop her, help me get this on." Shepard asked him frantically.

They worked quickly and in silence and as Shepard drew the last clasp on her armor the door opened. Miranda stepped through the threshold, dragging the panicked looking Salarian guard by his armor. Her body glowed blue with biotics and a determined type of rage was clearly written on her face. Miranda glared at them as she drew her pistol from her back and held it to the guard's head.

Garrus wasted no time throwing Shepard his assault rifle while reaching for his own pistol and soon they were all in a tense stand-off.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Lawson." Shepard asked in an icy tone, her commanding presence out in full force.

"I should say the same thing about you. I told the Illusive Man we were stupid to trust you." Miranda shot back

"You have thirty seconds to release the Salarian before I drop you." Shepard demanded without a hint of uncertainty.

"Oh, him?" Miranda asked as the blue of her biotics intensified and the guard was flung across the room collapsing in an unconscious heap on the floor, "He was just in my way, and useful in getting your attention."

"You have my attention, now if you want your life you better explain yourself."

"I want to know why you're deviating from the mission, why you've been holding secret meetings, and," she said glaring at Garrus with nothing but hatred, "I want to know what your little band of aliens are doing spying on me."

"What makes you so sure any of this is going on?" Shepard asked trying to discern how much the Cerberus officer knew

"Let's just say EDI takes it personally when someone plugs her ears. You can't cut me out like this Shepard, I'm the only reason you're alive."

"You need to check yourself Lawson, you demand me to trust you but withhold just as much, if not more things from me. The only way I'm ever going to trust you is if you start pointing your guns where I do instead of at me." Shepard challenged, gesturing at Garrus and Mordin, who had also trained his gun on Miranda.

"I've been honest with you from day one. I brought you back from the fucking dead, dedicated two years of my life to you when I didn't even believe in you. And all you've ever treated me with is disdain."

"And you honestly blame me for that?"

"So this is all because it was Cerberus who brought you back?"

"No!" Shepard yelled with an edge to her voice that could make a Krogan piss himself, "This is because I was done." She paused, her breaths coming in hurried and ragged. "This...is because I watched my friends and hundreds of others die on my watch, because I had to do whatever it took to stop the Reapers, and I did it. I stopped them, but it didn't change anything. No one listened, no one cared, nothing changed. So why me Miranda? Why bring a failure back from the dead? What about Nihilus, or Kaiden? What about my parents or the millions upon millions of other lifeforms in the universe that are much more valuable than I am?

"Because you're the hero the Illusive Man thought we needed, Shepard." Miranda replied suddenly quiet, a hint of jealousy in her voice.

"And for some reason you all thought I'd still want to bear that burden? No one thought, maybe Shepard won't want to fight anymore...maybe she's done...maybe we should leave her cold, lifeless body where it lay? Because honestly, I never really came back from the dead. I'm still there, every day, slowly dying, fighting to hold on to some semblance of my sanity and losing my grip on the few things that tether me to the rest of the world. I may be physically here, I will never leave that place behind."

"Shepard, I…"

"I don't want to hear it Miranda!" Shepard cut her off. "You didn't think what this would do to me, and you didn't think what this would do to those I left behind or what they will have to endure if I die again on this suicide mission. So forgive me if I'm not blindly jumping at the chance for another one-way ticket to death, which this time also includes the only people left in the world that matter to me." she finally stopped and took a breath, "So here's what's going to happen, You're going to put down your gun and take a seat, then you're going to tell me exactly how you brought me back, what you changed, and you're not going to leave the smallest detail out. Because I'm not going to ask my friends to risk their lives without knowing exactly what I am and what we're up against.

Miranda thought for a moment before resignation of her defeat spread across her face. She bent and slowly setting her pistol on the floor, walking over to the metal table and sitting down, a solemn expression on her face as she glanced around the room. "I guess I should have known Dr. Solus was running tests on you here, and I know you're looking for an explanation from me Shepard, but I don't know who altered your DNA."


	9. Chapter 9

"What do you mean you don't know?" Shepard asked in disbelief

"Exactly what it sounds like, I found it too when I first started work on you." Miranda explained

"Forgive me if I don't take your word on it."

"Look, I wanted to change you. I didn't think we could control you and it looks like I was right. I wanted to add a control matrix but the Illusive Man shot me down. He insisted you be pure, 100% the way you were before you died."

"There's no way I'm the same person I was before I died, I feel too different." Shepard replied

"Are we just going to ignore that bombshell she just dropped Shepard?" Garrus asked, his finger itchy on his pistol's trigger.

"For now yes, if I focus on it I'll get angrier, and if I get any angrier I'll kill her for sure." She replied to the frustrated Turian.

"I'll give you access to the research we did on it if you want, but I promise you Shepard, it wasn't Cerberus, and if it wasn't us than it must have always been you." Miranda pleaded

"You'll give anyone I say access to those files, you wont' leave anything out or censor anything. Now start talking, I want the whole goddamn truth." Shepard demanded.

* * *

Returning to the Normandy with their Cerberus babysitter in restraints caused quite a stir amongst the crew. After shoving the woman into a holding cell and ignoring Jacob's borderline insubordinate protests, Shepard once again called another meeting with her allies.

"Do you think Miranda's telling the truth?" Liara asked after Shepard finished briefing them on the mission's recent developments.

"I don't know, she was definitely convincing, but the only way we will know for sure is by analyzing that data she so graciously provided us access to." Shepard replied with a smirk.

"What can we do to help?" Tali' asked

"I'm going to give all of you complete access to the data, see what you can make of it and report back to me. Mordin is finishing up mapping my genetic structure in the Sur'Kesh lab and we will leave the system after he makes his final report."

"Do we have any information on how this could have happened Commander?" Liara asked intrigued.

"Cerberus are the only ones who had long-term access to you who also had the necessary technology to modify your genetic structure," Tali' expressed rather loudly.

"I agree it is the most likely solution, but from what I understand, it may be more complicated than that. We need to think of other options." Liara added

"Lawson said they couldn't decode those strands, if it's true we should see evidence of that attempt in the data files," Shepard remarked, "Depending on what we find in those files, we either take the issue to the Illusive Man himself, or find another direction to go in."

"What are you going to do with Miranda?" Garrus asked

"She'll stay in the holding cell for now. If her data corroborates her story I'll release her, if not we'll turn her over to Alliance Command."

"We can't trust her, we should turn her over either way." Garrus replied

"She'll stay benched, no missions or active duty, but if her story checks out we'll need her."

"Benching her is a small price to pay for threatening a commanding officer."

"It is, but handing her over would mean making us the Illusive Man's problem. I don't like our current relationship but right now it's working in our favor. I won't be the first to betray our fragile cease-fire"

"Understood Commander."

"I will call you all together again once Dr. Solus has returned from Sur'Kesh. Dismissed."

Shepard stayed standing until all her crew had filed out of the conference room. As the door hissed shut behind the last of them, she collapsed exhausted into a chair. She was so certain she would receive definitive answers that she wasn't prepared to only receive further questions. Her mind was swimming and her head was pounding as she struggled to sift through the events of the day. As much as she wanted to think in silence, her anxiety about the upcoming test results kept her from any real revelations.

Frustrated she returned to her quarters, hoping that once again a run on her treadmill would focus her mind elsewhere.

* * *

Shepard grew more and more irritable as the day waned on. It was close to 1900 hours when Mordin finally returned to the ship, and the knot in Shepard's stomach was growing larger by the second.

"Shepard, finished the work-up. Afraid you'll be unhappy with the result." Mordin stated as soon as she entered the Normandy's Tech Lab.

Shepard released an audible sigh. "Show me what you got."

"Mapping shows all necessary human DNA in place. No signs of alterations done to first set of DNA."

"Wait...first set? I don't understand."

"Portion of DNA in question not part of original biology. Additional DNA more like shadow of original makeup."

"So I have two sets of DNA?" Shepard asked still not understanding the implications

"Sort of. Original DNA is dominant, added strands are not complete set. Appears as natural mutation. Hard to find if don't know what to look for. Clearly engineered."

"How can you tell?"

"Indications of splicing and purposeful mutations. Unsure of implications however."

"So you don't think the second set is human?"

"Original set has only human nucleotides, secondary set unknown to me."

"Can you figure it out?"

"Will need to cross analyze genetic markers from multiple species. Will take time."

"Do what you need to do Dr. Solus, I'll be awaiting your results."

"Yes Commander." the Salarian replied, turning back to his work.

Shepard left the tech lab in a worse state of mind than when she entered it. Not wanting to deal with more questions, she exited briskly towards the elevator, ignoring both her crew and her promise to inform them of Mordin's findings, heading straight to the solidarity of her quarters once again.


	10. Chapter 10

Shepard didn't sleep calmly. The moment she shut her eyes her mind took her fears about her origins and twisted them into elaborate nightmares, turning her into the worst things she could imagine. Over and over again she saw herself slough off her human skin and transform into Husks, Reapers and Collectors, each more horrid and disfigured than the last. By the eighth transformation, she found herself wishing for her old nightmares to return.

It was early in the morning shift when Liara burst through her door. The commander was once again running furiously on her treadmill, headphones drowning out the world, and nearly jumped out of her skin when Liara grabbed her shoulder.

"What the hell Liara?" Shepard gasped as she ripped the ear buds out of her ears and jumped off the treadmill, her heart pounding as if to rip a hole in her chest, "How did you get in here?"

"EDI overrode the lock when you didn't respond, forgive me Commander, but there's something you need to see right away." Liara responded as she practically dragged the commander to the elevator doors and down to Mordin's lab.

"What's going on? Did you find something?"

"We were up all night comparing DNA to try to pinpoint relevant markers in the shadow strand."

"And?"

"I have a hunch," she said pausing for a moment, "and I can't believe I almost missed this." She fiddled with the display data. "This looks like something I once found in a Prothean artifact on a dig site."

The display screen Liara brought up showed nothing but gibberish that the commander couldn't make heads or tails of.

"Prothean?" Shepard asked, her eyes wide, "how could I have anything Prothean in me?"

"I don't think it's actually Prothean, just that I saw a similar genetic structure and organization in a Prothean artifact once."

"So whatever's wrong with me the Protheans were studying it too? How is that possible?

"There simply isn't enough data here for me to say anything for sure yet, but I think I know how we can find out."

"How?"

"All Prothean artifacts I found were transferred to Thessia for safekeeping and further study, If I can study it again, maybe I can find something I missed."

"Okay then," Shepard took a deep breath, forcing strength back into her voice, "EDI, patch me through to Joker."

"Commander?" Joker's voice broke through the coms

"Set a course for Thessia,"

"Right away Commander. I'm also supposed to inform you that the Illusive Man is waiting to speak with you."

"How long has he been waiting?" Shepard asked with a knowing tone in her voice

"You know me Shepard, not long at all…" She could almost hear the smirk on his face as the com clicked dead.

Shepard rolled her eyes and turned from the room, heading through the conference room doors meet with what she could only assume would be a very indignant Illusive Man.

The table lowered into the floor as she approached it, yellow lights scanning and projecting her holographic image to the Illusive Man's hidden sanctuary.

"Shepard," He started after taking a long drag on an almost depleted cigarette, "I don't like to be kept waiting."

"I've been busy, what do you want?"

"It's come to my attention that you have my operative in a cell, why?"

"I can't trust her. She pulled a gun on me and my crew, jeopardized a mission, and refuses to submit to direct orders."

"You went off book, stopped working towards our goal, Miranda was simply doing her job, realigning your priorities, if you will."

"I'm still doing my job, and I know what's at stake, you don't get killed by these fuckers and then just let the threat of their existence fade into the background." she reprimanded him somewhat harshly. "I thought you of all people would want me working at maximum capacity, and that's not going to happen until I get my questions answered."

"We can't afford any unnecessary delays."

"This is hardly unnecessary. A squad is only as good as it's commander, and If we can take side missions for the good of the individual crew-members, we can spare a few days for me."

"Fine, but I want detailed mission reports."

"You'll get them if and only if you turn over all the classified documents on the Lazarus project."

"I can't do that, the information is too sensitive, but I am willing to give you an access code that will get you in for five hours."

"And everything will be there?"

"Everything." the Illusive Man confirmed as he took the final drag on his cigarette. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

* * *

Shepard stood in the hallway, just around the corner from Miranda's makeshift cell. She had been pacing this spot of hallway for a full minute or so, trying to gather her thoughts before approaching the operative. Her eyes were buggy from rifling through the Lazarus logs, and her brain ached from the work of processing all that information. She took a breath to calm her rapidly beating heart and rounded the corner, walking slowly and methodically towards the Cerberus officer.

They stared back at each other, neither one of them speaking, until Miranda broke the silence.

"I told you we had nothing to do with it."

"And now I believe you."

"Took you long enough." Miranda shot back indignantly

"Watch yourself Lawson."

A stubborn silence filled the room once again.

"So the Illusive Man gave you access?"

"Yes, to all files, video logs, everything."

"And?"

"I told you, I believe you. Cerberus had nothing to do with the alterations in my DNA."

"So what are you here for?"

"To negotiate the terms of your release."

"I'm listening."

"I want you to help Mordin. I'm sure you have your own theories about the alterations, and he could use your help, seeing as how you know my inner workings so well. You'll be let out of the cell and have use of your own quarters, but you will continue to be barred from active duty. You will also be confined to decks three and four with an escort required for movement to and from Mordin's lab"

"I can work within those terms," Miranda replied after thinking for a few seconds, "Where is Mordin at currently?"

"Right now the working theory is that someone spliced my DNA with something, Mordin and Dr. Chakwas are cross-referencing right now to see if they can find any commonalities, and we're headed to Thessia to work on a hunch Liara has."

"Are any other possible theories being considered?"

"Like what?" Shepard asked confused

"That no one ever altered you in the first place."


	11. Chapter 11

It was 0200 hours when Shepard stepped out from the elevator onto the crew deck and was greeted with a loud bang that echoed down the hallway. Feeling investigative, she followed the string of curses and subsequent knocking sounds to find a frustrated Garrus throwing things about in the Main Battery.

"Keep it down Garrus, you're going to wake up the whole ship," She scolded him with a smile on her lips, "Things not going so well?"

"If you took better care of your ship," He grunted while kicking the side of the console, "I wouldn't have to bother anyone." He gave the console one final kick and the dented platform sprang to life. He turned to Shepard with amusement in his eyes. "And you doubted me."

"I never doubt you Garrus, you know all the sweet spots." and as soon as the words left her mouth she blushed at the unintentional double entendre, and quickly redirected the conversation. "So what's in need of calibrating now?"

"What doesn't?" he asked sarcastically, "did my antics wake you?"

"No, sleep has been eluding me lately, might as well stop trying."

"I think it's slipping through all our fingers," he nodded in agreement, "There's only so much one can sleep with all that has been going on lately."

"Unfortunately, I think my anxiety is rubbing off on all of you."

"Have you been able to process it all yet?"

"No," Shepard said, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, "I think that's going to take a long time, I've had so much thrown at me in the past few days that I can't even catch my breath. It's like I finally process one thing, and then a curve-ball gets thrown in that overturns everything I thought I was going to be comfortable with."

"So who threw the latest?"

"Miranda…"

"What did she say?" Garrus asked, a little too demanding

"It's probably nothing."

"If it was nothing, it wouldn't be bothering you so much."

"She...she said that she thinks I may not have been altered at all."

"That is a curve-ball," Garrus replied as he sucked in a breath, his mandibles flaring.

"If that means what I think it means, that I was born with this, shadow DNA," she said making air quotes with her fingers, "then this whole issue gets that much more impossible."

"Is there any indication she's right? You had medical testing done before in the Alliance, do you think they would have missed something that crucial?"

"Mordin had to run a lot of specialized tests just to find it, I doubt anyone else could have caught it. That plus Liara's Prothean hunch, I just don't know what to believe anymore. I kind of wish I never asked the question at all." Shepard replied shaking her head.

"Well the good news is we know it wasn't Cerberus. You don't have to worry about not being in control of your own mind anymore, and we'll take the rest as it comes. That's got to feel like a win." Garrus replied as he slowly walked towards her, resting a three-fingered hand on her shoulder to reassure her.

"It does, but at the same time it doesn't. Cerberus was solid, a organization I could fight, blood I could spill. Taking that off the table means there's no real battle to be won anymore, and all I know how to do is fight battles. I couldn't fight space, I can't fight Protheans, and I can't fight myself."

Garrus' mandibles flared as he tried to suppress a laugh. "I apologize, but if anyone can bring a Prothean back from extinction just to kick it's ass, it's you. However for some reason I can't picture kicking ass in anything but your human skin anymore."

Shepard slugged him in his armored shoulder as she blushed and cracked a smile and chuckled along with him.

A comfortable silence filled the room and Shepard became acutely aware of his hand lingering on her shoulder. She could hear her heart pounding and knew that he could hear it too. As if he could read her mind, he quickly removed his hand, accidentally brushing it down her arm as he retreated back into his personal space, sending a noticeable shiver down her spine and causing her skin to break out in rows of goosebumps.

They made eye contact, and a rush of desire pulsed through her lonely body.

"Garrus…" she practically whispered as he took a step towards her as if he was drawn to her like some kind of magnet.

They stood together, each breathing the other's air, feeling the heat radiate off the other's body. Both aching to reach out to the other, but neither willing to take the first step and risk breaking the moment.

Shepard, her mind racing, brought her face towards his, not knowing how he'd react if she kissed him like every cell in her body was screaming for her to do. She felt a jolt as Garrus' hand gripped her arm again and she saw a mixture of doubt and confusion flash in his eyes. The tension broken, Shepard pulled away from his gaze and stammered out a few apologies as she retreated from him, nearly running into the door that was too slow to open on her way out, leaving Garrus to catch his breath and stare dumbfoundedly after her.

She heard nothing until she hit the elevator, and then the sound of his footsteps preceded his armored figure bursting in beside her. Avoiding his gaze she heard him growl something about insubordination and found her back pressed against the metal wall as Garrus kissed her with all the ferocity he could muster, his hands tangled in her hair, their bodies burning where they touched. Shepard fought back for a moment and then finally conceded, letting herself melt in his grasp and returning his passion with all the fire she'd been holding back.

As the elevator doors opened to her quarters she pushed him backwards, both of them furiously shedding the other's clothing, until she shoved him backwards onto the bed. She watched him with lustful eyes as he examined her, then flicking his eyes upwards, she saw him stiffen and pause. As he looked back at her, the passion in his eyes extinguished, replaced by nothing but concern and a hint of pity she was sure he was trying to hide.

She froze, trying not to show her pain as he slowly stood up and walked passed her, muttering only "I'm sorry, I can't" as he picked up the bits of his armor and left the room, leaving her to swallow the rejection. She returned to her bed and laid on the warmth he had left behind, staring up at that black cloth that covered the window to space which betrayed her unshakable facade, revealing the true depth of her neurosis.


End file.
